Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke2/hist20/history.oop

Text File | 1989-03-18 | 10KB | 163 lines

                            FROM "VERBATIM" MAGAZINE

                    The World According to Student Bloopers

                               St. Paul's School
                         (Reprinted without permission)

    One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiv-
ing the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have pasted toge-
ther the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade
through college level.  Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

    The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah Des-
sert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabi-
tants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation.  The Eqyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the Bi-
ble, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of their
children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"  G-d asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made with-
out any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fougth
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon,
one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

    Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A myth
is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in "The Illiad," by
Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

    In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The government of
Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the moutains were so hight that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When they fought the Pari-
sians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people Romans be-
cause they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was
going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor sub-
jects by playing the fiddle to them.

    Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle
of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims
of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the Magna Carta provided
that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest writer of
the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-ature.
Amother tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.

    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for sel-
ling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being exconnumicated by a
bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and discover-
ies.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation
of blood.  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

    The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed herself before
her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.  In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving him-
self in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to
kill the King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote."  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost."  Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

    During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great na-
vigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His ships were
called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims crossed the
Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.  When they landed at Plymouth
Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was
hoops before them.  The Indian Squabss carried porposies on their back.  Many of
the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very
fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people
died and many babies were born. Captian John Smith was responsible for all this.


    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without
stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone
walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.  Finally, the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Decla-
ration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in
his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented electricity by rub-
bing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
Our Country.  Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said, "In onion
there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while travel-
ing from Washington to Gettysburg on the back on an envelope.  He also signed
the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and
other innocent victims.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The velieved assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor.  This
ruined Booth's career.

    Mean while in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare in-
vented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy."  Gravity was invented
by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
falling off the trees.

    Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very large.  Bach died
from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He
was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu-
tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish gorrilas came
down from the hills and hipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to in-
herit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any
children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest Queen.  She
sat on a thorn for 63 years.  Her reclining years and finally the end of her
life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final even that
ended her reign.